A year ago...

I am completely awed by the miracles that God performs. Just a year ago I experienced the most terrifying and miraculous time in my life. This experience would have been difficult for anyone, but for a planner like I am, it was unthinkable. After giving birth to two previous children, I really thought I knew what I was doing. I'd even decided to get the epidural this time (since after having several bouts of gall stones during my pregnancy, I decided I'd suffered enough pain). God always has a plan of his own. He knows what is best and what we can handle.


The first thing I asked when I was admitted to the labor and delivery ward at the hospital was for an epidural. The nurse said I had a long way to go and suggested I soak in the bath for a bit. She mentioned that she had to send a blood test down to the lab before they could give me an epidural. An hour later I was out of the bath and asking again for the epidural. The second nurse said, "Oh, the sample didn't get sent yet. I'll get it going right now and it will be thirty minutes for the result." Baby Bear was born twenty-three minutes later. My funny spouse declared, "In seven more minutes, you can get your epidural." At the time, I didn't see the humor in that statement.


I was so tired from a restless night on top of labor and delivery, that I don't really remember seeing my baby much less holding him. The entire time I was pushing they kept saying, "After this you can take a nap." "One more push and you'll have your little baby in your arms." Unfortunately, neither of those things happened. Within the first few minutes of his life outside the womb, the nurses noticed that he was exceptionally blue. No worries. Just a quick jaunt down to the ICU for some oxygen. Daddy even got to carry him down there.


My mom was immediately on the phone letting my dad know that it was a boy! The kids quickly put on their special tee-shirts declaring their statuses as Big Brother and Big Sister. Memere told them to wait a short bit before they come over because Baby Bear needed a little oxygen and would be back in the room soon.

Then, my doctor (who was a family practice doctor, so she was also Baby Bear's doctor at that time), came in with some news. He wasn't getting better with oxygen. They weren't sure what was wrong. Hopefully not a big deal. The Pediatric Special Care Doctor had requested a Pediatric Ambulance from a hospital up north to come down and get him. They just didn't have the equipment necessary to help him.


It wasn't until my sweet husband returned to the room with tears in his eyes and stated, "I barely got to hold him." Then I began to cry. What? What did he mean? What was going on? He was a whopping 8lbs 8.5 oz. He was beautiful and all my prenatal checks had been perfect. What was going on?


Fortunately, God knows all and His will is best. If I had received an epidural like I wanted, I wouldn't have been able to go down to the ICU to see my precious baby boy. I wouldn't have been able to be there with him while they tried desperately to stabilize him and couldn't. I wouldn't have been able to spend those short few hours with him before he was rushed away from me to another hospital's NICU.

(Day 1- Five hours after his birth he is ready for transport to a different hospital that had a NICU.)


I think one of the loneliest nights of my life was lying in that hospital room. I could hear babies crying out in the hallway, but none of them were mine. All the times I had pictured what I'd be doing after my sweet baby was born, it was never like that. It was never being alone.(Day 2- First time I saw him in the NICU.)

The next few weeks were a blur. From seeing my baby lifeless lying there with needles coming out everywhere and not being allowed to even touch him, to finally being able to touch him while he was hooked up to a huge ECMO (lung heart) machine. Then, worrying while he was having open heart surgery and wondering if eleven days was all the time he would be given to live his life.

(Day 6- Sister and Brother visit Baby Bear.)

(Day 6- The first time I was able to hold him).

I have to stop and say, my family and friends are AWESOME!!! Their support, love, and prayers were priceless. The staff of doctors, nurses, and support personnel were irreplaceable. I love that they all made us feel special, cared about, and at home. Thank you all!!!

(Daddy, Brother, and Sister with Baby Bear his last weekend in the hospital.)

Taking him home was wonderful and exhausting. Newborns are always tiring, but dealing with feeding tubes, oxygen tanks, a strict medicine schedule, pumping breast milk, and juggling two other children was overwhelming. I couldn't think two weeks in advance. Every day it was a trial to think about the next few hours much less to plan.

Since he was weaned off the oxygen and taken off the feeding tube, time has flown by. I can't believe how long ago that was now. Sometimes it seems like just yesterday and other times it feels like decades ago. Now he is a one-year-old. Twelve months he's been out of the womb and in our lives. He is hitting every milestone and growing up so quickly. His scars are the only reminder left of those long first few months.

We are so blessed. We are so loved. We are so lucky.

Thank you, God, for this beautiful child. We love and enjoy every moment of his life. Amen.